REVIEW: The Death of Bandai of America

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Hi pals. Let’s just get this over with, shall we?

So with the 25th anniversary of Power Rangers on our doorstep, our good friends over at Bandai of America decided to give that ol’ nostalgia towel one last ring to harvest every bit of Mighty Morphin’ shit that they could before slitting their own throats in the name of the Hasbro gods.

And as everybody knows, people just can’t stop buying shit from Mighty Morphin’. Hell, forget the other 800-some episodes of the show that’s been on for 25 years straight. Give me more of the same shit over and over until I vomit.

Kittycat

This is the Legacy Collection Sabertooth Tiger Zord, the first in a line of individually-released Zords from Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. Even though they already released a combining Legacy Megazord. Twice. These ones don’t combine, though. They’re meant to be action figures. So I guess the idea is take the thing that’s fun because it combines and make it not fun anymore.

I guess they decided to get Yellow out there first because she’s easily the most popular and recognizable of all the Rangers. Supposedly the Tyrannosaurus Zord is out, too, but I haven’t seen it. And let’s be real, it’s probably not all that great.

Also, this thing retails for twenty-five dollars. I want you to keep that in mind going forward.

 

PACKAGING

So this is the new Legacy Collection packaging? Sure. It’s bland and white and snoooooore. The lightning bolt cuts right through your view of the toy. That’s okay, though, because it’s not much to look at anyway. At least the logo’s shiny. The box also boasts that the toy is for ages 4+. It should be 4-, because if you’re over the age of 4 and buying this thing, you better hate yourself as much as I do.

The back of the box shows off the toy’s “RANGER COCKPIT” and “ARTICULATED FEATURES,” which to me – given that we now know Hasbro will be taking over as the master licensee for Power Rangers in 2019 – sounds like a last desperate attempt to save one’s life before being hauled off to the gallows. The funny thing is, one of the “articulated features” is just a picture of Yellow in the cockpit… again. I guess the cover for the cockpit is technically a point of articulation. It swings open.

IMAG0158

Trini’s been on the sauce again.

You can also catch a glimpse of the other highly-anticipated Legacy items, such as helmets that don’t fit on your head, or re-releases of the shitty Auto-Morphin’ figures from 1993, or… Ninja Steel. You know, the current season. Screams “legacy” to me. Can somebody get Bandai a fucking dictionary?

SCULPT AND PAINT

It looks like the Sabertooth Tiger, alright. Your favorite Zord from MMPR. Remember that time where it jumped over a mountain? I think it shot something out of its tail once? Yeah, that was pretty cool.

There’s not much in the way of paint on this thing, and what little detail is there is mostly due to stickers. At least you don’t have to put them on yourself, that’s awfully generous.

Essentially it is a piece of hollow yellow plastic.

For some unknown reason, they included this little Yellow Ranger figure that you can put inside the cockpit. It’s stupid and barely painted. Throw it away. Burn it. Inhale the fumes. [Editor’s note: Please don’t inhale the fumes. That’s bad. What’s crazier is that I don’t even have an editor. This is just me talking in brackets.]

ARTICULATION

Sit, booboo, sit

The Tiger’s front legs are on a ball joint and swivel at the “elbows.” Do tigers have elbows? Who gives a shit? The back legs can swivel backwards. All of the feet are on these very limited ball joints that you can’t do a whole lot with. Its neck and jaw can move up and down. You can swing its ass (waist?) from side to side too, which is utterly useless. Up and down would have been better so that you can at least make it sit like a kitty cat. Also, some of the joints are super loose and don’t hold a pose.

The dinky little Yellow Ranger can kick its legs and the arms swivel. It also has elbow joints. It shouldn’t exist to begin with. The budget for this little nuisance should have been spent on painting the Sabertooth Tiger and giving it better articulation and making it worth twenty-five dollars.

IMAG0139

But it can dance.

COMPARISON

Here it is next to the Legacy Megazord’s Sabertooth Tiger, released like five years ago.

Maybe that one isn’t as well-articulated, but I think it actually looks better. Also, it actually serves its purpose of being the Megazord’s leg. This new one only serves to disappoint you more than you disappointed your father by buying it.

PLAYABILITY

You can put the Yellow Ranger in and out of the cockpit over and over, which is literally seconds of fun. The Tiger’s mouth moves, so you can probably get it to bite some pretty fun stuff. Maybe take some hilarious pictures to share on Instagram or MySpace.

In terms of kids playing with it, though, get the Imaginext version instead. It’s cuter and cheaper and probably warming a shelf somewhere in your local Wal-Mart.

ACCESSORIES

Does the Yellow Ranger count? It shouldn’t.

This whole package would make a great accessory to a crime. Like the death of your soul at the hands of yourself.

FINAL VERDICT

This is it, pals. This is Bandai of America’s swan song. A Sabertooth Tiger with no butthole.

Assume the position

Could have at least added a butthole.

I can’t stress this enough – this thing is TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS. I bought it with the expectation that it would be fun to shit on it and make a blog review about. It’s not. It’s fun in the same way that I thought seeing the Fantastic Four reboot would be fun. I expected something so-bad-it’s-good, but in the end it was just terrible and boring.

Don’t. Just… please. Don’t fucking bother. Seriously, go buy the Imaginext toys instead. At least they’re honest about the fact that they’re made for drooling toddlers.

If you do decide to subject yourself to this godless monstrosity, write a better review than this and promptly throw the toy straight into the garbage can. Bonus points if it’s a trash compactor.

Good luck, Hasbro. And good luck to you, Bandai of America. I hope the Ben 10 reboot* and fuckin’ Zak Storm (what the hell is a Zak Storm?) are lucrative endeavors.

*EDIT: Apparently they’re not even making the new Ben 10 toys, Playmates is. That’s even sadder. Ah well, they still have Dragonball.
IMAG0145

Onward, to mediocrity!

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