I’ve made a New Year’s resolution, folks. For every Harambe joke I hear in 2017, I’m going to kill five gorillas in five different zoos.
I realize this may seem like a radical approach, but it’s really the only option. You people have beaten this joke so far into the ground it’s probably deeper than… well, Harambe. Was he buried? Cremated? I don’t care. You know why? Because he’s an asshole who decided to drag a child around the same way Linus drags his blanket. Just because he’s an animal doesn’t excuse his behavior. When a 4-year-old crawls into an animal enclosure and the gorilla picks him up like a gentleman and returns him to safety, give me a call. Maybe I’ll go “dicks out” for that hero.
So now, every time I hear that name from one of you meme-spouting morons – you know who you are – I will throw a stone at the skull of five more gorillas. You’re free to make each and every one of them the new Internet sensation until you can’t feel your fingers from all of the shitposting. I hope you think you’re clever photoshopping each of their faces next to various celebrities who died in 2017, like Danny Glover, Sally Field, and Brendan Fraser, probably.
Everybody got their panties in a twist when it was revealed that somewhere between 11,000 and 15,000 people voted for Harambe in the 2016 presidential election. One small problem, though: that didn’t happen. Nobody’s keeping track of write-in votes like that, especially not those cast for a dead gorilla, and especially not less than 24 hours after election day. But you’re a gullible choad, so you believed it anyway.
You know why you find Harambe memes funny? Because he’s a gorilla with a funny foreign-sounding name. Casual racism in 2016? Noooo way.