‘Gumby’ and the Imminent Downfall of Civilization

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If you look at the current trends in popular media, a lot of success is determined by name recognition. Not necessarily the names of actors; one could actually argue that “star power” doesn’t matter nearly as much as it used to. I’m talking about brand names: adaptations, sequels, franchises, spinoffs, reboots, remakes and rehashes. These days, nostalgia is the most bankable. It’s almost a franchise in and of itself.

Inevitably, we’re going to see a Hollywood reboot of Gumby. On that day, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m stressed out just thinking about it.

We need to prepare for this. I’m not just talking about picking our favorite director for the job or coming up with our preferred casting choices or trying to decide which of Gumby’s adventures we’d like to see adapted for the big screen.

I’m talking about preparing. Doomsday Prepper shit. Underground shelters. Food rations. Firearms. Everything. The Gumby feature film is a signal of the end times, and nobody seems to know it’s coming.

I promise, this isn’t a theory. This is fact. It’s practically prophetic. It’s about time the world woke up.

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At the center of the problem, the real catalyst here, is that nobody remembers Gumby. You might remember what he looks like. You probably remember Pokey the horse. That’s it. You don’t remember what the show was about, even if you think you do. Whatever thoughts you had in your head concerning what Gumby actually does are ones that you probably just wrote off as something you dreamt about after a bad (good?) trip on your favorite hallucinogen.

I’ve done the legwork. It turns out there’s a shitton of old episodes of Gumby on YouTube. I sat and watched the entirety of the first episode, called “Moon Trip.” Whatever you think you remember about Gumby, it’s even weirder than that.

Basically, Gumby takes a rocket to the moon. Some rocks start chasing him around and his dad has to come save him. He takes his son back to Earth (?) and heals him at the doll hospital.

It’s a psychological roller coaster, an assault on every sense of reality you hold dear. Watch it yourself. There’s so much more than I can possibly summarize for you.

Why did Gumby go to the moon? What was he running from? Is this just something he does on a regular basis? We don’t know. We barely know who Gumby is. Is he a person? Why is his head slanted? Why is he made of clay but everything else looks like a toy? Is he a child’s plaything and we’re just watching his or her imagination at work? Why do his parents have the ability to “melt” into puddles? Why did Gumby take a rocket ship but his dad could just use a ladder?

This is another huge issue. Gumby is barely even a television show. It’s a proof of concept for a never-ending series of questions that will never be answered in a satisfactory manner.

When a feature film reimagining happens, it’s going to have to establish a set of rules for Gumby’s world. It will need to reintroduce us to this character that we don’t even remember anything about. But there’s so many questions that need answering in order to make the concept palatable to a modern audience that it’s almost impossible to form a coherent story at the same time.

You thought the reactions to the Ghostbusters remake were bad? At least we understand why it exists. People see the name and they remember the movies and TV shows that they grew up with. It had memorable characters, endless quotable one-liners, and fantastic effects. There’s a certain demand for something to breathe new life into the franchise, whether you agree with it or not.

Any nostalgia the world holds for Gumby is hollow. A vacant hole we pretend is a childhood affection to mask our insecurities about our own fleeting existence. The sooner we come to terms with this, the better off we’ll be.

Nobody is going to understand the Gumby movie. Nothing will make an iota of sense. This will be the last straw. Something in the collective consciousness of the world will snap. Like a hivemind whose Queen was just assassinated. Nostalgia will finally betray us. Riots in the streets. Molotov cocktails through clothing store windows. Looting. The once startling sound of gunfire will become nothing more than white noise in the chaos. Countries with conflicting ideologies concerning what Gumby means will be at war with each other. All of society will crumble in a fiery holocaust.

Nobody wants a Gumby movie. There is no demand. But it’ll exist regardless, and this message will only reach so many of you. So do what you can to prepare yourself when the state of emergency arrives.

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He knows it’s coming. And he will do nothing to stop it.

Remember that episode of Gumby when he strapped a rocket pack to Pokey so that he could win a horse race? I bet you do. It’s so vivid in your mind. You sat with your dad on the couch, eyes glued to the television screen, enjoying the after school adventures of your favorite stop-motion clay man.

But you don’t. I made it up. But you remembered it anyway. Because you don’t truly remember Gumby. Gumby is nothing more than a concept to you. You were just too blind to see it.

Soon, we all will remember Gumby. In fact, it’ll be the only thing we know for sure.

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