The New ‘Power Rangers’ Aren’t As Ugly As Your Stupid Face

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Today we got our first official look at the new Power Rangers movie suits, and naturally, everybody from your grandma to your best friend’s baby cousin has an opinion to share on the Internet.

My thoughts are that of somebody who has seen almost every episode of every season of Power Rangers. I’ve seen the good, the bad, and the terrible. I’ve seen Rangers get baked into giant pizzas. I’ve seen villains that brainwash people into loving them through a TV sitcom. I consider myself well-informed. I’m not sure if I should brag about that or not.

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A couple of petty nitpicks aside, I really like them. Others don’t, and that’s fine. But if you don’t, there’s a good chance that your expectations were more unrealistic than forming a giant robot out of five dinosaurs. Well, two dinosaurs and three ancient animals.

That is not spandex!

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Of course it’s not. One of the key descriptors from the director himself was that the suits were “metaphysical,” and not something you could just wear. What were you expecting? Lycra morphsuits? Halloween costumes?

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Coming this summer… Lame: The Movie

 

I’d go see it if they were in spandex. Hell, I may even like them more. But I’d see the movie regardless, because I’m a dork. The general audience doesn’t even know the Power Rangers are still on TV. They have to be convinced that it’s going to be a different take on what they remember, appealing to modern sensibilities. Sure, the spandex may have more low-budget charm to it, but that’s not going to fly on a multi-million dollar feature film. It has to be interesting.

“The same” is the opposite of “interesting.”

The original Movie suits were so much cooler!

Shut up.

mighty-morphin-power-rangers-the-movie

The only reason the suits looked the way they did at all was because, in the public consciousness, they were the Power Rangers. They couldn’t stray too far from the look of the show because they were massive cultural icons at that point. They had to look a certain way. The fact that the suits didn’t change for 150-some episodes, despite conflicting source footage and different Zords, is a testament to that.

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TYRANNO… ape… uhh…

It’s been over twenty years. They don’t have to look like that anymore. The new movie isn’t restricted by Japanese footage. They can do whatever the fuck they want.

crotchtear

Peehole or design flaw? Choose your own adventure

These suits were bulky and prone to tearing. They looked like the show costumes with a bunch of armor padding. Cool for action figures, weird in real life.

And they didn’t even make action figures based off of the Movie suits until last year. What a ripoff.

The helmets don’t even look like their dinosaurs!

Bad lighting and angle. Especially Blue, Yellow and Black. Look closer, numbnuts.

They don’t look like the Power Rangers!

Correction: They don’t look like the Power Rangers you’re used to. You’ve seen those same costumes from the 90s your entire life. Yeah, it’s gonna take some adjusting.

They’re destroying my childhood!

Your childhood was stupid and so are you. You want your childhood ruined? Go watch Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. That’ll do it. ba-dum-tsss

Boobs!

This is an uncomfortable subject for a lot of people, so if you’re easily offended, please close your browser tab.

Okay, here we go.

boobs

Women, generally speaking, have boobs.

I know. Sex is scary. Sex and boobs. It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that sex exists and that it’s one of, like, four things that every human being has in common.

Boobs are what’s impractical about these suits. Not the glowing diamonds that look like they would shatter if poked too hard in the sternum.

Z-Putties

That reminds me…

So when you see boobs on screen, I can see why that would be mortifying. The idea that a form-fitting alien armor suit would account for a woman’s body is absolutely absurd. It’s sexualizing women. Women are objects because they have boobs.

Sex.

BOOBS.

fatdick

Also sexualized: Zack’s fat dick

The girls are wearing heels/wedges!

I don’t know much about the combat practicality of wearing heels, but… yeah, I guess you’re right.

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