Seriously, Guys, Can I Spoil “Star Wars” Yet?


It’s been a month since the new Star Wars was released in theaters. I think it’s about time that we, as a society, started being lenient about people posting spoilers on the Internet.

So, for those of you who missed out on the movie, here’s a list of important things that happened in The Force Awakens:

1. C-3PO’s new red arm also has the Communist hammer and sickle tattooed on it.

2. Han Solo, upon being reunited with General Leia, informs her that she’s “put on a few pounds.” A twelve minute monologue ensues where Leia slams Han for body shaming.

3. The silver paint on Captain Phasma’s suit begins to wear off, revealing that she’s just a normal Stormtrooper with no real significance to the overall story.

4. Ralph Macchio cameo. I won’t say what it is, but it’s pretty surprising.

5. R2-D2 drifts through an asteroid field, beeping along to “Space Oddity” less than a month before David Bowie’s untimely passing. (fans have been in heated debate ever since, trying to decide whether or not this was a planned Illuminati thing or some shit)

6. During the climactic scene on the bridge within the Starkiller Base, Kylo Ren reveals himself to be none other than Hollywood superstar Andy Dick shortly before stabbing his father, Han Solo, to death. Ren leans over and whispers into his ear, “Dick move,” before watching his dad fall into the abyss.
When asked about the line, Dick said, “I’ve been waiting twenty years to make that pun, and I’m eternally grateful that Mr. Abrams provided me with this opportunity.”

7. In the final scene, Rey confronts Luke Skywalker. Removing his hood and revealing his face to her, he quickly pulls out a megaphone, farts directly into it for about 5 solid seconds, and states, “People only like Boba Fett because he has a cool costume.” Critics and fans alike were stunned by this odd creative choice, but many have since come to accept it.


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