Hey pals. Today Gordon becomes the anti-Tumblr of 1994. Not me. The character in the show I’m about to talk about.
EPISODE 4: Switch
As you may expect, Tireface just can’t stop thinking about the demise of the Sentinels. He wants to use the portals against them as a means of sabotage. To accomplish this, he summons Voldek, whose head is far too small for his body.
Back at the high school, Gordon Fucking Henley is checking out some chicks and Laurie scolds him, calling him a neanderthal. Swinton drops some real true facts about neanderthals and how they could be the missing link between humans and apes.
Gordon continues chugging along on his usual train of douche by listing off why men are better than women, and questioning why a woman isn’t president. Laurie says, “Who says she isn’t?” which I believe is a Hillary Clinton reference. Topical, right?
Suddenly, the lights in the hallway begin to dim on and off. Gordon blames the girls in Home Ec, Drew blames the boys in Shop class and the audience is saved by the bell as Nimbar summons them. Laurie complains about how they have very little indication as to where the Power Portal shows up, and…
Yeah, it’s in the girl’s bathroom. Gordon and Swinton are little pussies who don’t want to break the rules, so Drew and Laurie get their chance to make fun of them for being so “manly.”
Sadly, we never do get to see the inside of the girl’s bathroom. It cuts straight to Nimbar’s Playhouse. He presents the kids with a display of Voldek’s electrical powers, and Gordon hopes that he’s “not more charged up than last time.”
There’s a problem here. If we’re going by the episode order on these DVDs, there was no last time for Voldek. He hasn’t appeared in the show yet. Maybe the original airing order was a little different, but I’m just going to assume that it’s lack of continuity checking on the writer’s part. It’s more entertaining that way.
As they prepare to step onto the Transo Disks, Gordon Fucking Henley has to spout off a few more sexist comments about the girls screaming for help.
He continues to do this once the fight starts as well. I swear I only share a name with this guy.
In what is probably this show’s most well-choreographed fight so far, Gordon gets his Taur-ass handed to him. Before he can even try to get back at Voldek, the monster disappears.
After transporting back to base, Gordon thinks that his method of intimidation is what caused Voldek to retreat. Nimbar says that he wouldn’t back out without a good reason. He sets his teen slaves free until he needs them next, which will probably be soon since the episode’s not over.
Back in the hallway… well, just look at this picture. Can you figure it out for yourself?
Laurie with Gordon’s tie, Drew wearing Swinton’s glasses… I was right, as usual. It’s a goddamn body switching episode.
Laurie is the first to realize that something is amiss when she goes to check her hair at her locker. Gordon is next, uttering possibly the most appropriate double entendre I’ve ever heard.
“Laurie, I’m in your body.”
The group bickers amongst themselves for a bit, which solves nothing as usual. They want to consult Nimbar, but they can only do that when they’re summoned by him. Until they can do that, they’re stuck, so you can’t even imagine what kind of hijinks will ensue.
Our heroes meet up at the cafe, each having just lived a day in their friend’s shoes. Gordon’s happy that he can do the splits, but complains about having to wear heels. I can confirm that there is no gun being held to his head at this point forcing him to wear high heel shoes.
Are you listening, women? Nobody cares.
Anyway, Laurie signed Gordon up for the prom committee, Swinton suggests wearing name tags, and all of this brings up a very serious question.
How the fuck is none of this suspicious?
“Gordon” is walking around with an earring, “Laurie” is wearing a tie, “Drew” has glasses all of a sudden and “Swinton”… well, I guess Swinton could be wearing contacts, but his posture is a little different. It’s stupid that they’re wearing each others’ things to begin with, but it’s a visual tool to remind us that they’ve all switched bodies, so it’s forgivable.
Just based on appearances alone, this entire state of affairs would be a red flag for anybody who has a personal relationship with these people. And nobody throughout the entire day noticed anything strange? And Swinton, the smart guy, thinks that they should be wearing name tags with other people’s names on them?
I expect too much.
Mr. Sawyer appears out of nowhere, startling Drew. He’s expecting Swinton at home, so naturally, Drew has to leave, and Swinton warns her about his brother’s tendency to sleep in his bed and piss all over the place. Contrary to what one may assume, this is not on Drew’s list of fetishes, so she’s not a huge fan. After lecturing Mr. Sawyer on vegetarianism, she takes off.
Then, something amazing happens. Some homeboy comes up to “Laurie” (Gordon) and makes out with him, as a thank you for helping him out with a quiz. Gordon seems like the type of asshole who thinks being gay is worse than Hitler, so this pleases me.
Gordon leaves, and Laurie explains to Swinton that since he’s in Drew’s body, he should probably be working. They agree to meet at Drew’s pool house before school the next day.
There’s a scene of Tireface and Shitbird rambling. It’s insignificant and your time is more valuable than that, so I’ll spare you.
Apparently the entire group knew to meet at Drew’s the next day, because they’re all present. Gordon basically calls Laurie fat, and the gang discusses their experiences with each others’ parents. Nimbar calls them to Disneyland, so everybody hops through the portal.
Nimbar was afraid to summon them due to the crazy portal problem. He goes into some technobabble about how Voldek fucked up the portals and he validates Swinton’s name tag idea because he keeps mixing them up.
Oh, and “Laurie” is wearing what appears to be the latest in pirate fashion.
So now Gordon is suddenly all about gender equality and fighting like a team. Keep in mind “Laurie” is saying this in what sounds exactly like every girl’s impression of their boyfriend, so it’s just funny. They all transform and head into battle, hoping that they’ll be switched back in the process. They’re not.
The fight against Voldek here actually has some more kind-of-okay choreography that is immediately canceled out by the sound of Axl Rose singing while taking a hot dump. I’m not sure if that’s actually what’s going on in the background music, but dammit if it’s not close.
The heroes draw their weapons, but Voldek shoots them out of their hands shortly after. It turns out he absorbs the energy from their weapon lasers. If only there were some way they could attack the monster with bladed weapons that didn’t involve shooting anything!
It’s as good a time as any to form Knightron, they decide, so they do their thing with the hands and become that cheap museum statue, fire some lasers out of their sword, and then do something completely out of left field.
They make physical contact with the monster.
That’s right. Knightron parries one of Voldek’s attacks, grabs him, and tosses him unfalteringly like a used condom. Then they cut one of the wires on his shoulder, presumably sucking away the source of his power. Whatever, it’s almost interesting.
Shitbird suggests that they should plug Voldek into a cigarette lighter. I didn’t even realize you were allowed to say that on a kid’s show. Oh, early ’90s.
With Voldek’s destruction, the kids are glad to be back in their normal bodies again. Nimbar congratulates them on using “unified teamwork,” as opposed to… divided teamwork? Sure.
For some reason the portal spawns in the girl’s bathroom again so the team exits through there to get back to the hall. Gordon admits that he’s converting to feminism (in so many words) and suddenly there’s a principal.
She questions why the boys were in the girl’s bathroom and they make up some bullshit story about hearing screaming and a rat and the lady that somehow worked her way to the top of the school’s food chain believes every word of their incoherent, stutter-laden tale.
Oh wait, she’s the vice principal. Never mind. They’re all idiots.
You’ve seen one body-swapping episode, you’ve seen them all. This one was even more dull than those. You barely get to see the kids interacting with people outside of their group. More scenes like Gordon’s kiss would have been very welcome. That’s not a sentence I thought I would type today.
There actually seems to be a severe lack of “socializing” with these people. Most people outside of the four kids seem to be parents or one-off classmates like Duwane or the guy kissing “Laurie.” I imagine the budget is so low they can’t have more than four full-time actors.
Episode five is called “Perceptions.” I’ll let you know when I have a joke for that one.