Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters Episode 3 Analysis – If I Could Turn Back Time

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Hey pals. Slap on your temporary tattoos and jump into your shitty luchador costumes, because it’s time for more Alien Fighters!


EPISODE 3: How Times Flies

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At this point, it should be obvious that the episode starts with Tireface whining about the Galactic Sentinels. Shitbird brings up the concept of time, and Tireface decides that he needs to mess with it. How doing so would aid him in conquering Earth is unclear, but he sends down “Sorcerer” to do the job for him. I can’t imagine why a monster named Sorcerer would focus solely on making time go by faster, but hey, I’m not a television writer.

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We also get a new location for fight scenes: an actual city! At nighttime! Sorcerer blasts at a few buildings, does nothing of any real significance, and disappears in a puff of smoke.

Back at good ol’ Cafe Mason, Laurie has just finished chatting with a couple of randoms. Drew approaches her, and Laurie expresses her concerns about being exposed, since the randoms thought that they were friends. She thinks it’s silly since they have nothing in common, but Drew protests, stating that they’re both superheroes.

Out loud.

In the middle of her workplace.

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Wasn’t getting caught one of Drew’s worries last episode? Then why is she bringing it up in public?

Turns out Laurie is studying for a French test, so Drew takes off to get her some coffee… and returns a split second later, to Laurie’s surprise. Not only that, but her coffee happens to be ice cold.

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Gordon Fuckin’ Henley shows up in a suit and tie, bitching about his rock hard donut. Finding the situation odd, Drew goes to address the problem to her boss. Gordon is there for an appointment with his mother. When Laurie says that’s strange, he argues that they are both very busy and don’t get to spend a lot of quality time together. The Henleys are very important people, you see, and they don’t have time for stupid little things like family.

Mrs. Henley enters, and she’s exactly what I expected.

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She immediately asks Drew for a cappuccino and sits down with her son. Laurie addresses her as “Mayor Henley,” confirming that not only is Gordon Fucking Henley emblematic of everything that I hate, but his mother is the mayor of Beverly Hills, California. Ugh.

Thankfully, she leaves as quickly as she arrived, before Drew can even serve her. Gordon, mildly relieved because quality time with the woman who spewed him out of her vagina isn’t important, notices that it’s now an hour later than he thought. And then Swinton is just sitting there. Waiting.

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“Didn’t you guys see me come in?”

Swinton tries to talk to Laurie in French but she doesn’t understand him. Seconds later, she replies fluently as if she had just studied for hours, to her own amazement. Swinton gets up to go to take a dump, turns around and sees himself sitting on the chair, watching the conversation that had just occurred seconds ago.

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He correctly theorizes that time is fucked up, and the gang checks their watches (except for Drew, since hers is broken but she still wears it because it looks cool I guess). Everybody has a different time, but Gordon still feels the need to debate the phenomenon. To be absolutely sure, Swinton says they should use a sundial, and Drew says that there’s one in her backyard, confirming my suspicions that she was raised by cavemen.

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Hanging out on Drew’s patio, Gordon finally comes to terms with the craziness of the situation. Drew’s mom suddenly shows up with a Christmas tree, using her early ’90s sex appeal to convince the boys to help her set it up.

MILF

MILF

The kids are confused about Christmas being in the middle of May, and Drew uses the word – ahem – “hinky.” Laurie guesses that this is Nimbar’s doing and their tattoos conveniently begin to flash. A portal to his chamber appears, but disappears as quickly as it came, since time on Earth is sped up.

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Nimbar sits around talking to himself and waiting. Quality entertainment.

The kids sit around debating the finer points of power portal technology and taking the piss out of each other like a true team. Gordon thinks that since Swinton is the youngest out of all of them, he should be the first to enter a portal when it shows up, given that it’ll only be open for a couple of seconds. When the moment arises, he makes a beeline for it.

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Nimbar guessed that Swinton would be the first one through, even though the reasoning is completely arbitrary. He shows Swinton the world map and the rate at which speed is moving (this is important and I’ll explain why shortly). Nimbar makes a joke about not measuring time on his planet and his good looks that actually makes me laugh and I hate it.

The other three finally make it through to home base, beginning to feel the sleep deprivation kick in. The acceleration of time is fucking up their circadian rhythms, so Nimbar tells them to hurry the hell up and transform.

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For the first time, we’re getting a night fight… but of course, it’s during an episode where time is moving really really fast and the sun never rises. When Swinton saw the “fast forward” in effect on the map earlier, it was moving at about an hour every second. Unless the speed varies or the Sorcerer stops fucking with it while he fights the Sentinels, all of this is complete nonsense.

Or this show has a budget of five moneydollars. It’s a time travel episode of a kid’s show. Choose your own adventure.

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Regardless, Sorcerer causes a rapid changing of the seasons as the weather becomes snowy, sunny, and foggy in a matter of seconds.

A really bad fight scene ensues with very little physical contact and a lot of stupid weapon lasers. They form Knightron and fire more lasers and eventually the monster goes buhbye.

I'M MELTINGGGG

I’M MELTINGGGG

Tireface deems Sorcerer unworthy and sends him back to wherever he gets his monsters from. The Sentinels meet up back at the base and time is all fixed.

Back at the coffee shop, the kids basically prepare to repeat their entire day from the beginning… until they realize that THEIR WATCHES ARE STILL OFF BY 15 MINUTES.

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I know it’s not actually a twist but whatever


Despite making very little sense, “How Time Flies” is my favorite episode so far. Gordon’s mother being such a powerful woman actually explains a lot about his personality. Swinton gets to spout off a bunch of technobabble, which is one of my favorite sci-fi tropes. Laurie speaks French. It’s great.

Now I can fall asleep again with the damn theme song stuck in my head. Thank you, DVD menu screen.

Next up, we have “Switch,” in which Gordon announces that he’s getting a sex change operation. Just kidding, it’s probably a body-swapping episode. It’s always a body swapping episode.

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