Hi pals. Today I’ll be reviewing this… thing. It’s a Radz. What’s a Radz? Let’s find out together.
It’s on a card. You can see just about everything you’re gonna get. The top of the card is styled after the Radz guy’s hair, so that’s cool if you’re into that sort of thing. I’m not. I think it’s stupid. If you think otherwise, you’re wrong, but that’s fine. I’ll get over it.
Okay, I’m over it. The little strip on the plastic shell advertises a Radz app that you can download on your smarty-pants phone. It only shows Apple’s App Store, though. I own an Android phone because iPhones are for jerks and I’m not a jerk, so I looked it up in the Play Store. There ain’t shit.
Not off to a good start here, Radz.
This Radz guy in particular is representing the Detroit Tigers, which is a baseball team I don’t give a shit about. Clearly I’m not in this thing’s target demographic, but I’m gonna criticize it anyway.
Since I have nothing to base this stupid thing on, it doesn’t need to be screen accurate. It resembles Kirby without arms. I’m no scientist, but I’m also pretty sure it’s made of plastic.
The hair is spiky, but it doesn’t look as spiky as the spikes from the continue screen in Mortal Kombat 4. Lame, right?
It’s a candy dispenser. There is none.
That’s no excuse. Fuck you, Radz.
It comes with candy and a little pamphlet thing. The pamphlet lists off several other Radz dudez you can collect. I intend to collect none of them because I’m not a fucking idiot.
This thing is designed to insert little candies into your face hole.
To fill it with delicious treats, you twist the hair and pull it off. There’s a little hole where you insert the candy and make a big fucking mess because there’s no efficient way of pouring it in because it comes in a plastic bag. Candy ends up everywhere and you feel ashamed of yourself. Is that what you want?
Here’s the deal. You basically have to French kiss it. You pull the hair back like it’s some sort of cheap Russian prostitute and the tongue pops out with a piece of candy. Your initial instinct is to eat it off of the tongue itself, which seems a little odd to me. Are kids making out with toys these days? Is this what the youth of America has come to?
The candy tastes alright, though. They’re basically Sweet Tarts except tiny and not shaped like fruit. As far as I can tell, there’s no banana flavor. I know a lot of people will disagree, but I actually like the banana Sweet Tarts. Come at me.
Oh, there’s a clip on it too. I assume it’s so that you can attach it to your key ring, which is just inconvenient. This thing is rather large and it would be cumbersome to carry it with your car keys. If you were to put it in your pocket you’d look like you have a huge bulge. That’s pretty cool, but also dishonest and I do not condone that kind of behavior.
You could put it on your backpack I guess. Kids use backpacks, right?
Making out with a toy can be fun, but it’s not my thing. If you find your child kissing their action figures, this may be a good compromise. Or sign them up for therapy instead. Your kid is troubled and you’re a shitty parent otherwise.
I give the Radz candy dispenser one sportball out of a hockey stick. Buy a Pez, dipshit.