Review: Some Madden Football Toys or Whatever

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Hi pals. According to Facebook, it’s football season or some bullshit, so McDonald’s has football toys. Why is football popular anyway? It’s not even manly. You know what’s manly? Rollerblading.

PACKAGING

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These little jockstrap-wearing fairy boys come in a little blue bag, different from your typical McDonald’s toy bag. It’s got a big ol’ “Madden” logo on it, and it wears its “EA Sports” emblem proudly… or as proud as you can get when you’re EA. Boom.

SCULPT

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They look like football players in various pussy-like positions. Like, yeah, we get it, you can carry a football and run into guys. Great. But I bet none of these pansies can pull off a Toe-Loop or a Flying Camel. Those are rollerblading tricks, for those of you that aren’t macho enough to understand the lingo. So much cooler than “quarterback” or “linebacker.” Those are football terms. They don’t even make sense.

In addition, they’re attached to a base so that their weak-ass ankles don’t cause their fat bodies to fall over. Rollerbladers have very strong ankles. From rollerblading.

ARTICULATION

Rollerbladers have full rotation at all of their joints. The quarterback of the high school football team can only graduate and work in construction for the rest of his life and never get to see his illegitimate child. Who’s a “little red skater bitch” now, Tyler?

ACCESSORIES

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The Chicago Red Hawks (Miami Hornets? Whatever, it’s probably lamer than anything I can make up) come with a bunch of stickers. I assume these are for putting all over their diaries because football players are pussies that have diaries. Rollerbladers have notepads to keep track of all of the tricks they’ve mastered. I have seven. How many do you have, Tyler Kaminski? None, because you were too busy fucking my girlfriend under the bleachers at homecoming. Dick.

A little slip inside gives you a list of all of these stupid football teams that nobody’s ever even heard of. Apparently you can collect one player from every team. Who names their team the “Houston Texans?” Like, of course you’re Texans. You’re in Houston. Holy shit.

You can also print out an NFL playmat to play with these guys on, but who wants to do that when they can browse online sporting good stores for a sick new pair of inlines? They still sell skates at sporting goods stores because skating is a sport. Does football even qualify as a sport?

PLAYABILITY

Look, I know I’m critical of a lot of things. I like to think it’s justified. And trust me, when I say that these are the most boring toys I’ve ever played with, I mean it. Regardless of the fact that they’re football toys, they do absolutely nothing. They just look like football guys. I bet football guys like to kiss a lot, right? You can’t even make them do that. Not that I really wanted to or anything. I’m completely secure with my sexuality. Unlike football players. So gay, am I right?

Look how gay they are. I totally didn't position them like this, they just did it themselves. That's how gay football is.

Look how gay they are. I totally didn’t position them like this, they just did it themselves. That’s how gay football is.

FINAL VERDICT

Don’t even bother. You wanna do something cool and get some real exercise? Buy yourself a good pair of rollerblades and feel the breeze between your balls. Never let anybody tell you that football is cool or masculine. It’s not. Despite the fact that it requires an intense amount of skill, focus, and physical prowess – and as a non-living concept is not capable of having a sexual orientation – it is incredibly gay. Like Liberace or something. I don’t even know who Liberace is. I’m a rollerblader, we don’t listen to gay music. Shut up.

These sissy toys get two Tyler Kaminskis out of gay.

Oh, and Tyler, if you’re reading this, I don’t even want Maggie back. You can have her.

I’m sorry, Maggie.

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