Hi pals. Today I’m going to be reviewing Donkey Kong from the highly anticipated line of McDonald’s Mario Kart 8 Happy Meal toys.
To the surprise of most, Donkey Kong comes packaged in a clear plastic Happy Meal toy bag. The Mario Kart 8 logo adorns the “front” of the bag, as well as the number 3. At first, I was confused. Was this Donkey Kong from Mario Kart 8, or Mario Kart 3? Was there even a Mario Kart 3? Does Mario Kart Super Circuit count? Why did Nintendo suddenly decide to start numbering their Mario Kart games? Do they realize how disorganized they are? Get your shit together, Satoru Iwata. I’m not having any of it.
It turns out that the toys are numbered and DK is 3 out of, like, 7 or something. Boy, I feel silly.
Unfortunately due to my momentary disdain with “the man” I threw the bag away, so I don’t have any pictures to show you. Instead, here’s a moderately accurate representation of what Donkey Kong looked like in his packaging.
Expertly crafted from what I can assume are the most extraordinary of plastics, Donkey Kong and his kart are the pinnacle of toy-making. Heck, if I hadn’t played Mario Kart 8 extensively at this point, I’d say he popped right out of a pre-rendered cutscene!
Donkey Kong’s kart is in its anti-gravity mode, which means you can drive it along the walls of your studio apartment without worrying about scratching the paint and pissing off Gavorg, your tracksuit-wearing Armenian landlord. Why does he wear that, anyway? Have you ever seen him go for a jog?
Although, I can’t help but notice the expression on Mr. Kong’s face. Clearly those little slave workers in China have perfected the Mona Lisa Smile. Is he happy, contemplative, somber, or holding in a hot dump?
As a non-speaking animal, Donkey Kong is not very articulate. Occasionally he grunts and makes “ooh-ooh” sounds but nobody wants to hear that at your Great Aunt Liza’s dinner party. Remember that just because you’re a bastard child and your father’s wife resents you, that doesn’t mean you can just go around screwing up your family dinners. These are precious moments. Leave DK at home.
I was highly disappointed to learn that Donkey Kong does not, in fact, have a button that makes him leap out of the kart and do the DK Rap from Donkey Kong 64. I realize that they had to make the toy affordable, but I mean, come on. Why can’t I ever get what I want?
Aside from that minor annoyance, the kart does roll okay on most flat surfaces and with my hardest push I got him to drive about 17 inches before hitting my cat’s paw, which he was not happy about. I expect McDonald’s to front all of my future veterinary expenses.
No Koopa shells or Bob-ombs here. Instead, DK comes with his signature sticker sheet, which includes a buttload of highly-detailed instructions on the back for applying your stickers to his kart.
But hold on a sec… those three stickers on the bottom… they don’t go anywhere in particular… maybe I’m supposed to make my own accessories?
Since Brian, LEGO Flanders and Microsoft Zune have yet to be announced as downloadable characters for Mario Kart 8, I thought I’d show them a little love so that they know somebody out there is still rooting for them. Also, wouldn’t it be fucking cool if Flanders were in the new Smash Bros? He’d be top tier.
If you’re a longtime fan of Donkey Kong, Mario Kart, Nintendo games, or childhood obesity, it is absolutely imperative that you go to your closest McDonald’s, buy a Happy Meal, eat those delicious McNuggets, indulge in those decadent golden fries (or apple slices if you’re a pussy) and pray to Shigeru Miyamoto that it comes with a Mario Kart 8 Donkey Kong toy, a plaything that puts S.H. Figuarts and Figma to shame. And if you get Toad, then fuck you. You probably deserved it.
For those reasons, I give Donkey Kong from McDonald’s Mario Kart 8 Happy Meal line five Grimaces out of diabetes.